5 Tips for Transitioning Well After Divorce

Divorce is hard. No matter the circumstances that led up to it, the emotions, turmoil, heartbreak, pain and fears are the same. When our hearts are heavy and we’re left standing in the middle of unchartered territory, believing we can transition well into this new chapter of life – especially if it’s not a chapter we wanted to enter – can feel impossible.

What may seem even more impossible when your life has been turned upside down is having a positive outlook and an optimistic attitude. Yet striving to be an optimist, even during times of turmoil and chaos, is a game changer.

The first step in pursuing a changed mind and a changed life as you face a new chapter of life is believing it can actually happen for you. Happiness is a choice, not a by-product of a perfect life. Regardless of what life brings, we can all choose optimism and joy if we so choose, which equips us to transition well into the next season of life.

Below are a few tips to help you get started with your mind over matter transformation and navigate the journey of divorce so you can embrace the new beginnings God has in store.

Don’t ask “why me”, ask “why not me.”

Maybe you’ve found yourself asking “why me” when you look around and it feels like everyone else’s marriage is just fine. When you feel crushed under the weight of your problems and drowning in the waves of fear that divorce ushers in. In those times, we can’t help but think life is unfair, and maybe God is even unfair since He’s allowing such adversity in our life. Why didn’t he protect my marriage? Why didn’t He hear my prayers? Does He even care about me?

But John 16:33 says, “I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world.”

When I read this verse recently, I was drawn back to the word “all”. We could assume Jesus meant “all this”, to refer to “all the promises I’ve given you”. Or we could interpret it to mean, He told us ALL that we would have troubles, which we do, and that He still has things under control and our future in His hands.

But at times we might still wonder why others aren’t taxed with the same troubles we are, or maybe it seems we have more than our fair share, leading us to entertain that life is indeed unfair. But considering the fact that we ALL have difficult circumstances, whether it’s divorce or something else, doesn’t that actually make life fair?

You see, God doesn’t pick favorites, and it wouldn’t be fair for some people to have trouble and others to have none. So, with that in mind, shouldn’t we consider “why not me?” instead of “why me”? When we are struggling, it helps to remember God is a fair, just and loving God, and He loves us as much as anyone else. We all receive an equal share of His strength to face whatever circumstances are happening in our lives, and in His strength, we can not only survive divorce, but thrive in our faith and in our life.

Count your blessings

Sometimes the pain divorce inflicts seems like too much to handle. Fears can threaten to paralyze us and steal our hope. The reality of all that we have lost – not only our spouse, but financial security, friends, family, church, our home and more – can leave us feeling like we’ve lost everything that matters.

Separation and divorce ushers in so many losses. It leaves us mourning the loss of a spouse who is still living and the loss of friends as they feel forced to either choose sides or just don’t know how what to say. It can lead to the loss of church acquaintances when it becomes uncomfortable to attend the same church and Sunday school class as you and your spouse once attended. The loss of financial security, the family home, full custody of children, cars, and so much more.

When we choose to intentionally focus on our blessings, we’ll be able to see them more clearly instead of only our burdens.

During the tumultuous months following my divorce, in a desperate attempt to feel less distraught, I decided to start keeping up with little daily blessings God was giving me and write them in my journal, as opposed to pouring out my thoughts, emotions and anxieties each day. I soon realized that when I focused on my blessings, I felt more positive, even though life was still extremely hard and the losses kept piling up. The more time I spent counting my blessings, the less time and energy I spent counting my losses, which helped to boost my spirits and my faith each and every day.

Even in the most difficult of times, God continues to bless us. If we choose to live with an awareness of the good things God is doing in our life rather than focusing on our burdens and what we think He is not doing, we can live out each day with a joy-filled outlook.

Fight back against fear and worry

Hello, my name is Tracie, and I am a worrier.

That is what I had to admit about myself years ago when I would spend every day worrying myself into a meltdown about all the problems I was trying to manage and all the unknowns of my future I fearfully obsessed about.

I love the Lord and trust Him fully, but my mind still gets lost in fears from time to time.

When I can’t control a situation, I tend to think of all the worst-case scenarios that could happen, and then my fears start growing like a thick vine around a flower, strangling the life right out of it. Maybe you can relate. After all, we’re only human and life often gives us a lot of valid reasons to worry, especially in the wake of divorce.

On days when I find myself feeling burdened with worry and letting my mind run wild with possible worst-case scenarios, I recall the hope found in Psalm 23:4 says, “Even when I walk through the darkest valley, I will not be afraid, for you are close beside me. Your rod and your staff protect and comfort me.” It’s such a sweet verse to tuck into our hearts when we are feeling afraid of the unknown.

The truth is … the “unknown” is probably not near as scary as we think it might be. Choosing to trust God is holding our future in His hands can keep worrying at bay.

Commit to being positive, even if you have every reason to be negative

It takes as much energy to be negative as it does to be positive, so why not put our energy into something that will bring joy into our life rather than discouragement and pessimism?

This is one tip I forced myself to put into practice in my own life when divorce ripped through my life like a F5 tornado. I was inadvertently spending a lot of time holding onto a pessimistic outlook, obsessing over how I had been wronged and consumed with fears and anger; letting negative emotions and worries control my life and my happiness. I couldn’t embrace the future because I was so trapped in the past.

I finally reached the point where I was fed up with feeling negative and sad, and ready to start enjoying life and being happy again. I made the purposeful choice to be positive, even when my circumstances were still less-than-positive.

It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it, and the simple decision to walk into my next season life, with hope and a head held high, changed my life. I was released from the bondage the enemy had over my thinking patterns and my joy. And the same is possible for you, my friend

We can’t always change our circumstances or have control over the situations or people in our lives. But we do have control over our thoughts and emotions. We do have the power to stop obsessing over what we can’t change, start focusing on what we can, and letting God handle the rest.

There’s a lot we can’t control, but what we can control is our thoughts, which in turn controls our emotions, giving us more control over how we live our lives.

Recognize this season as a new beginning, not a season of starting over

Divorce typically leaves us at a crossroads where we aren’t sure which way to turn and we may find ourselves lying awake at night with frantic thoughts running rampant, robbing us of sleep. Thoughts like, How did I end up here? Why do I feel like I’m back at square one? How am I supposed to start over? Can I actually launch something fresh or go in a brand-new direction? Should I even try to begin again?

Unfortunately, these questions, big decisions, and major transition periods can feel like black clouds hanging over our heads preventing us from seeing all the possibilities life holds and keeping us stuck in the mundane of where we are. The truth is if God has planted a seed in our hearts—a longing to do something new, big, adventurous, risky, or just out of the norm, or maybe simply a vision of how we want our new life to be—then He has equipped us to bring those desires to fruition.

But how do we know how and when to move forward and how can we trust that this

“new” we are longing for will work out? The key in finding the courage and desire to take that leap of faith to reinvent ourselves and our lives is recognizing there is a huge difference between starting over and beginning again.

Beginning again doesn’t mean starting over from scratch with no foundation, knowledge, or resources. We all possess memories and experiences to lean back on. We have wisdom from lessons learned which have brought us to where we are today. We have. developed skills and relationships, endured failures and disappointments, and enjoyed triumphs and successes. We have a story and have lived many chapters of life. We all have a past, yet we aren’t the same people we were in the past, so we aren’t starting in the same place we ever started before.

Instead, we are beginning anew in the place God has us right now. A place He has held our hand and walked us to; a place He prepared for us and prepared us for long ago, and a place in which He has already equipped us to rise up, grow, conquer, and succeed.

So, with all that said, we aren’t actually starting over; we are simply beginning again in a new place in life. A new chapter. A new season. Anew, because of Him and in Him. And so often, new is good.

Life after divorce can be good, especially when we learn to transition well. Your new beginning awaits, it’s time to embrace it with courage and confidence.