No Pleasure in Sex
Q
My husband is very sexually intimate with me. I love knowing he’s still attracted to me and feeling the closeness. But I hardly ever enjoy sex. Is there anything I can do to change that? I feel like I am only doing it to give him pleasure, but I don’t get any. At times I feel as though he knows I didn’t get any pleasure out of it.
A
Sexuality – as are so many aspects of marriage – is based on mutual pleasure. Whether we’re engaging in verbal or sexual intercourse, we must experience a vibrant sense of give-and-take for mutual pleasure. Unfortunately, your story is all too familiar. You’re engaged in a lopsided exchange, and this indeed is is a concern.
Adding to that concern is the fact you apparently aren’t talking to your husband about your dissatisfaction. This too is a common occurrence. For as comfortable as we seem to be reading about sexuality and watching it paraded in front of us on the movie screen, we remain awkwardly silent in the bedroom. Many partners pretend to be satisfied while aching for more.
You asked, “Is there anything I can do” to change your sexual relationship? Of course there is, and it begins with talking about it. You are the only one who can determine what is missing. You are the only one who can state clearly what you’d like in order to feel satisfied. Let me suggest some ways to talk about this delicate topic to get the pleasure you deserve.
First, acknowledge the importance of talking about this topic. Our sexuality is an integral aspect of our nature, inspired by God, and we need not shy away from the topic. While talking about it requires becoming incredibly transparent, you can’t rectify a problem if you don’t talk about it.
Two, make your conversation a safe one. Make it clear to your husband that you want to talk about your intimacy because you desire you both be satisfied. Don’t presume he doesn’t want you to be satisfied; it’s better to make the opposite assumption – that he wants you to enjoy your intimate times. Talk about what you’re experiencing without accusing or criticizing him. Agree to share preferences, not demands.
Third, be specific in your requests. Your husband can’t read your mind. He can’t know what you like or dislike unless you are bold enough to tell him. Share what you find pleasurable and arousing, and encourage him to share the same with you. Make it clear this will be an exciting journey of discovery.
Fourth, make this an easy (at least relatively!), ongoing conversation. In this journey toward sexual satisfaction, you may experience some disappointments or uncomfortable situations that require discussion. Make sure you both feel these ongoing discussions are safe to have. A little humor almost always helps, too. Playfulness in the bedroom is almost always a nice addition.
Finally, use heavy doses of encouragement. No one wants to feel inadequate, particularly in the bedroom. Most of us have a huge fear of failure, and criticism never helps. Once criticized, we shy away from intimacy. Encouragement is the best way to change a behavior, and this applies strongly when it comes to sexuality. Reinforce efforts made to please each other. Catch each other doing things you enjoy.
Sexuality is one of the most wonderful gifts given to us by God. You deserve to feel pleasure when engaging in sex with your husband. However, you must be clear in asking for it. Take each of these steps (expecting a misstep here or there) and enjoy the journey.
David Hawkins
Dr. David Hawkins, MBA, MSW, MA, PhD, is a Christian Clinical Psychologist who has helped bring healing to thousands of marriages and individuals since he began his work in 1976. Dr. Hawkins is passionate about working with couples in crisis and offering them ways of healing their wounds and finding their way back to being passionately in love with each other.
For the past ten years, Dr. Hawkins has become a leader in the field of treatment for narcissism and emotional abuse within relationships. He has developed several programs for treatment of men dealing with these issues and the women who love them.
Dr. Hawkins is also a speaker & trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors and writes for Crosswalk.com, CBN.org and Believe.com. He is a weekly guest on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is a best-selling author of over thirty books.
He has two grown sons, is happily married to Christie Hawkins, and lives on Bainbridge Island, outside Seattle, WA.
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