Recovering from porn addiction or breaking any habitual struggle can feel a lot like crash dieting.
There are wall-to-wall resources telling you to do this, that and definitely not that other thing. Some of them contradict each other, and just looking at all the information feels like being smacked in the face with the Encyclopedia Britannica.
Often fuelled by shame, you do your best to absorb every ounce of information and implement it all at once. You’re Paleo, Keto, Whole-30, Vegan, Raw and Seafood only…all at the same time. You might lose a pound or two with this crazy method, but eventually, you’re going to binge. Trust me.
Have you ever found yourself trapped in a vicious cycle of recovery and binging when it comes to porn? Or perhaps this is your very first attempt at getting free.
No matter if you’re a weathered recovery veteran back in the trenches of addiction, or a fresh-faced soul trying to find freedom for the first time, staring into the face of recovery can leave you feeling helpless, hopeless and more than a little frightened. Where do you even start?
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1. Acknowledge the journey ahead
There are no shortcuts when it comes to recovery. Depending on the length and depth of your addiction, it is likely you have a long journey ahead.
Often, a spouse or partner is involved which adds a whole new layer of complexity to the recovery process. You’re also highly likely to uncover issues of past abandonment, trauma or ruptured intimacy as you work toward freedom. All of these must be dealt with carefully, which usually means it is a much slower process than you’d like it to be.
This is okay.
Rather than trying to rush recovery, focus on taking each day as it comes.
There is beauty in the process. Instead of getting dismayed by the work you’ve yet to do, allow yourself to celebrate daily victories and honor every moment you strive for recovery and reconciliation. Racing to the ‘end’ and rushing your recovery won’t make things better; in fact, doing this could actually sabotage your healing.
The enormity and length of the process can feel overwhelming. Share these feelings with a trusted friend or mentor but be mindful to acknowledge the journey ahead and be ready to take it day by day.
2. Destroy or restrict access to all pornography.
Whether you’ve never attempted to ditch the porn habit before, or you’ve found yourself relapsed into old behaviors, you need to destroy and restrict access to all pornography within your reach.
This can be quite empowering with a determined mindset. Physically deleting, shredding or throwing away your collection of porn can give you a boost of confidence and motivation to really do this journey well. Removing all pornographic material has the potential to be cleansing and rejuvenating. It’s a powerful fresh start and sets you up for success.
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Restrict access to new material as well. Add filtering software and reporting systems to all of your devices. Move devices into public places, and even forego internet for a time if that’s necessary. There may be calendars, lingerie magazines or non-obvious items that require removal too.
Sometimes we look so far ahead into the big picture, we forget to do every step with precision and thoroughness. Don’t stop at the obvious DVD collection or hard-drive of pictures. What triggers you?
Consider deleting Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest or membership to any forums or social media groups where there is any risk of nudity or pornographic material.
This can be difficult. Restriction requires sacrifice, especially when it comes to our beloved social media. But, honestly, what are you missing out on? Symmetrical photographs of food? Ultra-posed pictures of girls and their friends? Angsty Facebook statuses?
Recovery is worth far more than this.
3. Reach out
If you’re going to recover, you need support. You simply cannot have success on your own. I mean, if you could, you probably wouldn’t be here, would you?
Identify at least one person you can talk to about your struggle. Who is a same-sex companion whom you trust? Can you be honest and vulnerable with them? Is meeting with them regularly for accountability an achievable goal?
Call or message them today. Reach out while you’re motivated or run the risk of surrendering to your fear. Every hour you put it off is another hour you can convince yourself you’re ‘fine’ on your own. Motivated, clear-headed you know that you need this support. Do it.
You don’t need to have a big discussion–just start the conversation by setting a date and time to catch up. Let them know you need some support and would like to have a personal conversation. Word and plan this so you can’t weasel your way out of being honest when the time comes around.
If you’ve already been through the process of finding a support person, but have lapsed, gone ‘dark’ or been otherwise crappy in your accountability, contact them today. Let them know you’re ready to get back on track. Don’t wait for them to follow you up.
Whilst you’re not to blame for what’s happened to you in the past in terms of the actions of others toward you and abuse, you are responsible for how you recover now. Set a date and time to meet up, re-evaluate your system, and rekindle this valuable relationship.
4. Pray
To a porn addict, prayer can feel redundant. You may have pleaded with the Lord to take this struggle away to no avail. Perhaps you’ve spent the last few years in a constant cycle of porn, confession, promises, porn. I bet you’ve let out more than a few angry prayers directed at the ceiling, too. It can start to feel useless.
Christians sing about God ‘breaking chains’ a lot. It all sounds very instantaneous and intense, but most people aren’t instantly delivered from their addiction through prayer or spiritual means.
What if we’ve got it all wrong? What if God chooses to give us the tools to break free from those chains of addiction? What if he provides the chisel and directions to slowly crush those links instead of doing it all without us?Click To Tweet
If God delivered all of us immediately, we would miss out on so much. Sure, it would be easier, but have you considered what you may not gain if you didn’t have to work at recovery? Consider courage, vulnerability or the intimacy that grows between friends and spouses when they’re truly honest with each other. What about the false beliefs and lies that live within us from childhood or abuse? These would never be uncovered and exposed for their falsity if we didn’t have to dig. Our souls and minds would never truly heal without the process, we’d simply have part of us removed.
The often long and slow recovery process is a redemptive gift from God. The season may be long and hard, but it is brimming with valuable lessons and insight.
When frustration strikes, remember the words of James 1:2-4:
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you.
And, remember to pray. Ask God for courage. Pray for insight into your heart and what needs to be healed. If you’re married, pray for your spouses’ recovery and a better relationship. Talk to God about how you feel and the pain you’ve experienced. In doing this, you deepen your relationship with God and acknowledge the need for more than simply stopping the behavior but a deeper, long-lasting recovery.
Ditching porn for good can be a scary thought, especially when you see all the work it will require of you. To give yourself the best chance at recovery, don’t attempt to fix everything in one day. Acknowledge what’s ahead, take these four steps and take it day by day from here.
Alice Taylor is the founder of The Grace Spot, a ministry dedicated to supporting women who struggle with pornography. She aims to break stigma, and provide resources for recovery, specifically created for women, by women. Find The Grace Spot at thegracespot.com or follow along on Facebook and Instagram @thegspot_ministries.
Copyright (c) 2018 Alice Taylor, used with permission.
Alice Taylor
Alice Taylor is the founder of The Grace Spot, a ministry dedicated to supporting women who struggle with pornography. She aims to break stigma, and provide resources for recovery, specifically created for women, by women. Find The Grace Spot at thegracespot.com or follow along on Facebook and Instagram @thegspot_ministries.
