Making Marriage Easier

Are You Listening?

When I received an email invitation to write a book with the #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Five Love Languages, Dr. Gary Chapman, I literally fell off my chair. Shock and awe are pretty accurate descriptions of how I felt. That first book together, Growing Up

Social: Raising Relational Kids in a Screen-Driven World, came out in 2014 (it’s now been updated to Screen Kids). I remember holding the manuscript in my hand after it came back from the editor. I was reading the introduction and thinking, “Wow, this is really good! I really like this!” Of course, I knew what it said—I had written it with Gary—but seeing it this way made me feel like a proud mama with her child on parade. With building excitement, I yelled out to James, “You’ve got to read this introduction; it’s sooo good!”

I put it on his desk and sat back, just waiting for the accolades to roll in. A while later, he approached my desk and said almost dejectedly, “I guess it’s okay.”

I guess it’s okay.

Sometimes our spouses do not say what we want them to say. I wanted him to compliment me on my work. In his defense, he was giving his honest opinion—but perhaps this can serve as an example of when you should decorate honesty with a little fluff. And of course, there have been countless times when James did something stellar (“Did you see me catch that touchdown??”) and I answered in a bored tone, “That was nice.”

Speaking life to your spouse doesn’t mean you have to gush sunshine and roses all the time or lie when you have something negative to share. I like what my daughter Noelle learned in kids’ church about words. She was taught to ask these questions about words: Is it true?

Is it kind? Is it useful?

Proverbs 31:26 says it this way: “She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness” (NKJV). Perhaps you can infer that when you don’t have anything wise to say, it’s better to keep your mouth shut! It is kindness that makes hard truths or useful criticism more palatable to the receiver.

According to the research of Dr. John Gottman, you can predict who will divorce with high accuracy by examining how couples communicate. For instance, during conflict, is the couple more positive or negative?

POSITIVE

Showing interest
Being nice
Asking questions
Being kind and empathetic

NEGATIVE

Showing hostility
Being critical
Nursing hurt feelings
Being angry

In marriages that stay together, there is a 5 to 1 ratio of positive comments to negative ones. Dr. Gottman says, “It sort of suggests that if you do something negative to hurt your partner’s feelings, you have to make up for it with five positive things. So the equation is not balanced . . . negative has a lot more ability to inflict pain and damage.¹

The couples who ended up divorcing had a 0.8 to 1 ratio between positive and negative comments, so there was a little more negativity than positivity in couples heading for separation. Since we live day in and day out with our spouses, we see the good, the bad, and the ugly. It is so easy to focus on faults instead of admirable traits. But in Philippians 4:8, the apostle Paul tells us what to meditate on. You may know this verse well, but read it like you’ve never seen it before and consider it in the context of your marriage. “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things” . . . in your spouse.

There are no faults or annoying habits on this list. If you think of this inspired list from Philippians, your ratio of positive comments will get a power boost.

God created humans with one mouth and two ears. You might say it is a visual reminder that listening is more important than talking (although lips are generally easier to notice than ears!). Dear reader, you may imagine that I am a good listener, but this is an area I need to work on. I have this very annoying habit of finishing people’s sentences or speaking up when I should be quiet. For example, James asked our daughter, Lucy, how her science test went. Knowing the ten-minute answer to that question since I picked up Lucy from school, I spared James the time and answered for her, giving a summary of what happened. Sure, that might be expedient, but that question was not directed toward me. The question was for Lucy.

The other thing I do is related. I finish people’s sentences. James will say something like “I think I will volunteer at church because . . .” and then I’ll butt in “. . . they need people to help with the Christmas event.” This happens so often that James will say, “Do you want to try another answer, or do you want me to tell you?” Turns out I’m not a mind reader and even if I was, no one wants a mind reader as a listener because what would be the point of talking?

James 1:19 says, “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry.” I need to learn to be quick to listen and slow to speak, or else James will be forced to learn how to be slow to anger!

There are three negative listening styles I have noticed in myself, my husband, and others:

Assumptive Listener: “I know what comes next!”

This is when I assume I know what my spouse is going to say, and I say it before he even has a chance. I have good intentions. I’m trying to show James I’m tracking with him and totally get what he’s saying. But where is the fun in talking to someone who keeps interrupting?

Solution: Keep your mouth shut until your spouse is done talking.

Fixer Listener: “I can fix that!”

Men are often known for being fixer listeners because of their desire to solve problems. But many times, a spouse is sharing just to unload and receive understanding and sympathy. We are not looking for an easy fix that makes our problem seem small and inconsequential.

Solution: Ask, “Do you want me to offer a solution or just listen?”

Celebrity Listener: “I had a situation just like that happen to me!”

In conversation, most of us tend to turn the focus back to ourselves. If someone is talking about a kitchen remodel disaster, you immediately turn the conversation to the time your contractor took six months longer than expected. This constant effort to shift the conversation back to you scuttles the chance of you listening to the other person. You are just listening for the chance to shine the spotlight back on your accomplishments, opinions, problems, or desires. This type of listening is selfish and self-serving.

Solution: Imagine a halo on top of the speaker. It’s their moment to shine, not yours.

If you avoid these three pitfalls, you will join an elite group of listeners. Kate Murphy, author of You’re Not Listening, interviewed people of all ages, races, and social strata for her book. She writes: Among the questions I asked was: “Who listens to you?” Almost without exception, what followed was a pause. Hesitation. The lucky ones could come up with one or two people, usually a spouse or maybe a parent, best friend, or sibling. But many said, if they were honest, they didn’t feel like they had anyone who truly listened to them, even those who were married.²

If you are married to a spouse who listens, you are incredibly rich.

¹ Dr. John Gottman, “The Positive Perspective: More on the 5:1 Ratio,” The Gottman Institute, video, https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-positive-perspective-more-on-the-51-ratio/.

² Kate Murphy, You’re Not Listening: What You’re Missing and Why It Matters (New York: Celadon Books, 2019), 17.