Too many couples settle for mediocrity in their marriage, when they would never settle for second best in other areas of their lives, says marriage and family expert Jim Burns. A marriage that is a true union of souls — a connection of love, respect, romance, and spiritual oneness — sounds like a fairy tale. But it’s possible to build such a relationship, and even improve date nights.
Showing affection, warmth, and encouragement to one’s spouse may sound like a no-brainer. But with so many demands on their time and energy, husbands and wives often neglect their relationship.
A one-time workaholic whose affair with his job created a crisis in his marriage, Burns developed these principles with his wife, Cathy. They instituted a three-point plan: a non-negotiable date night each week; being away from home only three nights a week; and giving Cathy veto power over Jim’s schedule. Another couple may need a different plan, with five, ten or twenty agreed-upon principles. The point is to be intentional about marriage — make it a top priority, Burns says.
Here are ten strategies from Burn’s book that can transform your marriage.
1. Adjust your attitude. You might not be able to change your spouse, but you can change yourself.
2. Show affection and warmth. Simple gestures can change your spouse’s mood and the atmosphere in your home.
3. Offer encouragement. It takes nine affirming comments to make up for one critical comment. If you are like most people, you owe your spouse a boatload of encouragement. Watch for opportunities to give your husband or wife an affirming word.
4. Give sexual intimacy the time and attention it deserves. Are you too tired to work on this? Then your priorities are in the wrong place. Find at least two hours per week to spend on romance and intimacy. And flirt with your spouse — remind him or her that you’re attracted to them.
5. Make friends with your spouse. The basic principles of friendship apply to marriage, too: friends tend to have more patience with each other; they extend grace, forgiveness, and kindness towards one another; and they have fun together.
6. Schedule (yes, schedule!) more fun in your marriage. Look for creative date night ideas — don’t just go out for dinner and a movie. Your willingness to put some thought into enjoyable, out-of the-ordinary things to do together will speak volumes to your spouse.
7. Practice “thank therapy.” Sit down today and list at least twenty reasons why you are grateful for your spouse.
8 . Accept that not all problems are resolvable. Some problems will always be in our lives in one form or another. Find a workable solution you can both live with.
9. Nurture spiritual growth. Start by praying daily for your spouse and your relationship. Besides attending worship services together, develop a regular time to practice spiritual disciplines such as devotions, bible study, prayer, and reading.
10. Review and renew your marriage vows. Vow renewal ceremonies are often more meaningful than the wedding. Reviewing and renewing your vows will move you toward spiritual intimacy — as you read over your vows, you will be surprised to see how often the AWE factor is present in the words, symbols, and the ceremony itself
Excerpted from Creating an Intimate Marriage by Jim Burns Copyright © 2006, Published by Bethany House Publishers Used by permission. Unauthorized duplication prohibited.
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Jim Burns
Jim Burns, Ph.D., is a renowned youth and family expert, an acclaimed author, and the founder of HomeWord, a radio program that reaches more than a million people across the country each day. In partnership with Azusa Pacific University, he established and now provides leadership for the HomeWord Center for Youth and Family, a research and training institute offering biblically based resources for parents and youth. Under Burns, the center has become the largest provider of Christian parenting and youth seminars in the United States. His passion is communicating to adults and young people practical truths to help them live out their Christian lives. Burns is a three-time Gold Medallion Award-winning author and has written books for parents, youth workers, and students. He also speaks in person to thousands of people each year around the world. Burns and his wife, Cathy, and their daughters, Christy, Rebecca, and Heidi, live in Southern California. For more information about Burns, visit homeword.com.
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