Love and Marriage

What do you do when you’re more adventurous in bed than your husband, or he wants to do things that you’re not so sure of? Often we hesitate to spice things up because we’re a little scared of something new; we think we may not be able to do it right; we’re embarrassed; we’re afraid if we try something new, our spouse will want it all the time; or we don’t think it’s sinful or wrong, but it’s just not our cup of tea.

What Do Love and Respect Have to Do With It?

I am only speaking to people in one of those categories. I am not speaking to anyone who says “no” based on moral reservations or being completely and utterly grossed out. If that describes you, then it is perfectly fine to say no. But make sure you’re not saying something is morally wrong just because it isn’t “the missionary position.” Sometimes we’re too quick to label things as morally wrong (though, of course, some things definitely are).

With that out of the way, here are some ideas to help you spice up your marriage and become more adventurous–without violating your values:

1. Spice Up Your Marriage with “Love Coupons”

Sometimes the idea of being at someone’s mercy is actually rather enticing. If we have to do what they say, then it takes the hesitancy out of things. Sometimes we hesitate because we ask ourselves, Do I really want to do this? Is this too wild for me? Is this too weird? And we get so caught up analyzing it, we’re not able to make a decision. Emailing your husband a coupon saying, “tonight you own me for an hour,” or “anything you want is yours tonight,” can get around that hesitancy.

And if you’re going to do this, set up a safe word, such as “uncle,” that you can say when you just feel like it’s too much. Yes, even if you give coupons, you still have a will and you still have autonomy and can say no. But you’re less likely to, and if you give him permission to do what he wants, it can actually be quite freeing for you.

2. Create “His” and “Hers” Nights to Add Some Spice

One woman explained to me how she and her husband handle this. Her husband tends to be more adventurous than she is, so one evening a week is for him, where they do the things he wants. One evening a week is for her, where they do things the way she wants–like starting with a long back massage and then being very gentle. And then the other evenings are just “normal.” This way each of them feels as if their needs are met, and they both go out of their way to make things fun for the other person on that person’s night, because they know it will be reciprocated!

3. Write Down Fantasies—That’s Spicy!

At the beginning of the year, both of you write down 12 things you would like to do to spice things up. Maybe you’ve already done them before, or maybe you haven’t–such as a private “twerking” session for your spouse’s eyes only! Don’t show your spouse what’s on your sheet of paper. Fold up the papers and put them in a jar, and once a month, on different nights, you each draw a piece of paper and do what’s on the paper. Again, the rules about saying “uncle” still apply. You never HAVE to do anything. But if you each have things written down, and you know it’s a give and take, then your spouse can feel like you’re going out of your way to meet his needs without feeling like you have to do it every night. This saves the special things for special nights!

4. Play the Match-the-Dice Game

Get two dice of different colors, and write on a sheet of paper what each dice means:

Red Dice—Actions. Chose six actions, like kiss, stroke, etc., and assign them to 1-6;

Blue Dice—Parts of the Body. Choose six body parts and assign them to 1-6.

Take turns throwing the dice and doing whatever combination comes up! You can make the game as adventurous or as tame as you want by varying the actions or body parts. Make sure you give enough time–let’s say at least a minute–to each task, or else it’s kind of a cop out!

5. Create a Multisensory Experience

We have five senses: seeing, hearing, touching, tasting, and smelling. Write down each of the senses on a piece of paper and put them in a jar. Alternate nights so you’re each responsible for a different night. On your night, pick out three pieces of paper, and create a sexual experience that uses all three senses.

Often we really only use one–touch. We make love with the lights off, we don’t say much, and we don’t really even taste. So figure out ways to engage the different senses! For sight, you can wear something pretty to bed. For taste, you can put on flavored lip balm, or get some chocolate to feed to him, or whatever you’d like! For hearing, you can tell him a story. For smelling, you can put perfume somewhere and ask him to find it. Be creative!

Challenge yourself, though, to come up with different things for each sense when it’s your night, so that you’re always changing things up a little bit.

There you have it! Five ways to spice up your marriage that are perhaps less intimidating than feeling as though you always have to do one particular thing. Sometimes a man (or even a woman) will get fixated on one particular sexual thing he wants to try. But if you are regularly doing at least one of these ideas, and making love with relative frequency, you’ll likely find this request becomes less and less important. Do things slightly differently, and your spouse will feel as if your sex life is really exciting! And that’s what you want–for both of you.

Sheila Wray Gregoire is the award-winning author of The Good Girl’s Guide to Great Sex and 31 Days to Great Sex. You can find her blogging at To Love, Honor and Vacuum.