I Caught My Husband Viewing Porn!
Q
Am I wrong to feel betrayed when I catch my husband viewing Internet porn? When I confront him, he tells me I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. He insists he’s “just looking” and that there’s nothing wrong with it. He complains that I’m in the wrong, yet I feel so violated. Can you help me understand this problem?
A
While your husband may have convinced himself pornography is harmless, nothing could be further from the truth. Let’s begin with some basic facts:
- Pornography use rewires the brain. Neural pathways widen as you view erotic images over and over. Your brain learns to crave sexual images!
- Pornography is addictive. As with any addictive substance or activity, more – volume, variety, even dangerous content – is required for the porn addict to get “high,” or aroused. An addict will act in detrimental ways, many involving deception, to get a fix. He becomes insatiable.
- Pornography alters a man’s personality. A man who uses pornography becomes more controlling, introverted, and anxious. He becomes irritable when not able to get his fix.
- Pornography alters a man’s view of women. In the self-serving world of porn, a man has sex with himself (masturbation) and an image on the screen. In this “affair,” the man removes himself from his marriage and becomes more involved in his fantasy life with pornographic images.
- Pornography injures the mate. It leaves victims strewn in its path. Women are objectified while men are selfishly gratified. A man subsequently expects more from a woman who wants to give less. It’s a destructive dance.
Scripture is not silent on this matter. The apostle Paul writes, “’I have the right to do anything,’ you say – but not everything is beneficial. ‘I have the right to do anything’ – but I will not be mastered by anything. You say, ‘Food for the stomach and the stomach for food, and God will destroy them both.’ The body, however, is not meant for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body” (I Corinthians 6: 12-13). We were designed for sexual purity.
Here are some additional ideas on what to do when sexual immorality – specifically pornography – invades your home.
Set firm boundaries. Pornography is hurtful, demeaning, and wrong. There is nothing redeeming about it. Don’t give in to even a ‘”little bit” of it in your home. You have a right to feel betrayed by a mate who views it. Make it clear porn will not be tolerated.
Your mate needs to be evaluated and treated for his addiction. Since repeated pornography use is symptomatic of addiction, he needs to be evaluated by a trained professional in the field of sexual addiction.
Learn how you can help in his recovery. Don’t let your husband drive the direction of the intervention; he cannot know what he needs to heal because he’s living in denial. Don’t get caught in the vicious cycle of catching him viewing porn and scolding him, followed by his remorse and subsequent repetition of the behavior. Seek as much information as you can on sexual addiction, its cycles, and its treatment. Educate yourself on the problem.
Insist your husband follow through with a comprehensive treatment plan. Most treatment programs involve a three-prong approach of support, counseling, and accountability. He needs to be part of a support group such as Celebrate Recovery, Sexual Addicts Anonymous, or Setting Addicts Free Eternally (SAFE). He needs to meet with a trained counselor in the field of sexual addiction. And he needs to be connected with an accountability partner willing to ask him tough questions about his addiction, including what he’s viewing. You’ll also need to put filters – such as Covenant Eyes – on your computers and cell phones.
Grow beyond this problem together. Learn how you can help your husband overcome this addiction. Get support for yourself; refuse to live in isolation and shame. Discuss his triggers and know the signs of relapse. While things may be rough at the start, they can get better. Hating the addiction and loving recovery is a wonderful place to be. Learn to work together toward a brighter and healthier future of sexual purity.
David Hawkins
Dr. David Hawkins, MBA, MSW, MA, PhD, is a Christian Clinical Psychologist who has helped bring healing to thousands of marriages and individuals since he began his work in 1976. Dr. Hawkins is passionate about working with couples in crisis and offering them ways of healing their wounds and finding their way back to being passionately in love with each other.
For the past ten years, Dr. Hawkins has become a leader in the field of treatment for narcissism and emotional abuse within relationships. He has developed several programs for treatment of men dealing with these issues and the women who love them.
Dr. Hawkins is also a speaker & trainer for the American Association of Christian Counselors and writes for Crosswalk.com, CBN.org and Believe.com. He is a weekly guest on Moody Radio and Faith Radio and is a best-selling author of over thirty books.
He has two grown sons, is happily married to Christie Hawkins, and lives on Bainbridge Island, outside Seattle, WA.
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