Kevin
Over the last three years of marriage, I’ve found our friendship has grown and now the core of our marriage is that friendship.
Nadia
From my perspective it’s been a balancing act, especially with a new baby. It’s certainly not hard work at this point but its still early. Everyday it’s reprioritizing, putting energy where it needs to be because Niki can be very time consuming. What we’ve learned is Kevin and I need to have open communication all the time — good or bad, whatever it is — we are very honest with each another Kevin We talk about everything. No secrets.
Nadia
No holds barred.
Kevin
There are times when we confront things we both don’t want to talk about, but we do.
Nadia
We’re readjusting now. In the first couple years of our marriage, it was a very passionate thing, and we were caught up in one another. Then introduce a third person into the equation and it’s not about you two anymore — it is about a family. And now we really need to rely on that friendship thing.
Kevin
Our friendship has provided a baseline to work from. It has provided stability. And we need that stability because our marriage is different now. Niki has introduced new challenges into our marriage. There are many new variables.
Nadia
These days I’m much more fatigued; There isn’t much sexual intimacy now because the moments Niki sleeps are few and far between, and the rest of the time I’m too tired. We used to go out to dinner a lot, entertain and travel. Kevin Everything that used to be easy isn’t necessarily easy anymore.
Nadia
But I wouldn’t change anything. Life is much more fulfilling. I think our lives are deeper, less superficial. There’s a moment-to-moment impulsive fun. Niki is all the time awesome.
Kevin
My whole perspective on what’s important is radically different. Simple things like driving through a neighborhood is a new experience, I have a higher awareness of children. I have a strong desire to protect my family. I’m watchful. What’s amazing is that as a new father, I think I understand more about God’s feelings towards us, through my feelings for Niki. I love my daughter so much; nothing could have prepared me for that. There are times when I’m so full of emotion and I stop and think, if I love her this much, how much must God love us. It blows me away. Then there are times when Niki rejects me, where she just wants mom. I think about how much that hurts me. And I think about how through much of my life I rejected God and how that must have hurt Him. I’m just thankful for a forgiving God.
Nadia
We have a commitment to each other, our baby, to God. Many couples today think, if this doesn’t workout they can just move on.
Kevin
This isn’t just a marriage or just a family of three — God is interwoven in that. Our commitment is not just between us – it includes God. Certain new traits have surfaced in both of us. For example, Nadia’s patience is endless. One of my favorite things now is just to watch them together. And I now have that strong need to protect my family. I believe that’s God’s design — that’s something God put into Nadia and me.
Nadia
Being a Christian, things are different. We have had moments of great joy, and we’ve had some really sticky moments. For example, there have been times when I feel we’re not communicating, my needs aren’t being met, and it would be easier to turn my back. But we take a time out, regroup, and remember that commitment. Marriage isn’t always pretty; we’re going to stick with it.
Kevin
I have a moral compass now. It used to be; the ends justified the means. I have a new value system. I was selfish and shallow, no spiritual direction. My life was making more money and trying to date as many women as possible. I have a strong desire now to be an honorable man. I want to be a man of God. That means living my life in a specific way — staying close to the church, staying close to scripture and praying on a consistent basis. I don’t know how I got along without prayer. I pray constantly. Prayer centers me. There are times in our relationship when I’m not the most centered person.
Nadia
There are elements in this world that can still be tempting, that can draw you in. But you have to realize that is short term. This is what matters now. I can’t imagine not being a Christian. There was a particularly difficult period when my sister was terminally ill; I became a Christian during that time. I think I would’ve gone out of my mind if I hadn’t been a Christian. It’s difficult to explain, but there was peacefulness, and I prayed often. Good things happened. I walked out of that period very grateful, not resentful. My sister passed away three weeks after we were married. Then a few months later my dad was severely injured and my grandmother died. We’ve been through a lot already.
Kevin
Becoming a Christian was the most important decision of my entire life. Because we both became Christians in the mentoring process at our church, our relationship actually brought us to Christ
Nadia
There are different levels of commitment. You enter in to a commitment when you become engaged. Then, a deeper commitment when you become married. And a child is a huge new commitment. Now, besides being committed to ourselves, we’re committed to Niki, raising her properly and also allowing her to observe our relationship — not a perfect relationship, but a good relationship.
Kevin
That’s big. We’ve talked about not necessarily hiding things from Niki, but instead just acting appropriately. We know she’s watching everything we do.
Nadia
We know some things are on hold right now. We know our old life will resume later on, but that’s not my focus, I’m not worried about it.
Kevin
Things have shifted. The things we used to consider fun, we still do, but we have other interests now. Just spending time with Niki, playing with her on the floor is such an awesome thing to do. It’s a blast.
Nadia
Recently I overheard Kevin’s mom talking about us, she said, “I remember when Nadia and Kevin used to be so sophisticated, and now they don’t even care what they look like, but they seem so happy!” That was a good thing. That’s what it’s all about.
Copyright © 2001, Marriagetrac
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Jim Mueller
Jim is the founder, with wife, Sheri, of Growthtrac Ministries as well as Program Director of GrowthtracRadio and the architect behind marriagetrac.com. Jim holds a B.S. in business management and is a facilitator for PREPARE/ENRICH, the most widely used customized couple assessment tool. He has authored numerous articles, interviewed leading relationship experts, and Christian artists, and has contributed to Dr. Les Parrott’s book, The Complete Guide to Marriage Mentoring. Jim has worked for more than 15 years to help premarital couples and married couples build and maintain healthy relationships.
