Trust is Sexy

While trust often begins with a feeling, it can’t only be based on a feeling, an emotion, or some kind of sense. It has to be rooted in more solid, observable, essential qualities.

It’s important for us to know that while trust often begins with a feeling, it can’t only be based on a feeling, an emotion, or some kind of sense. It has to be rooted in more solid, observable, essential qualities.

Believe It or Not, Trust Is Sexy

I had a client who said something powerful one day: “I never knew how sexy trust was.” I found that statement intriguing, so I asked him to explain.

He had been put in a situation at work that would require him to be around a woman he had dated seriously before marrying his wife. He was concerned about how his wife would take this news and worried she would want him to refuse the project. Had he turned down the opportunity, it would have been really problematic for his work. He felt caught between two bad options.

But when he shared it with his wife, her response was surprising. “I am not worried about this at all. I totally trust you. Don’t even think about it,” she said.

This was good enough for him, because in reality, he had no designs on his former girlfriend to begin with. But he certainly understood how his being around her could be a problem for his wife.

He was surprised when he went on the first business trip that included his ex-girlfriend and found himself at a dinner meeting with her. Eventually, other attendees left the table, went to their rooms, and left him alone with the woman with whom he was once seriously involved. They talked for a while, and then the thought hit him: it would be so easy for him to cheat on his wife with her. Then he remembered how his wife trusted him, even though she knew he would have an opportunity to betray her, and she really, really trusted him.

As he sat there, he became even more aware of the depth of his wife’s trust. He told me that, as he thought about it more and more, he felt he might explode inside with love and desire for her. He could hardly wait to end the dinner and get back to his room to call her. His heart and soul melted at the feeling of oneness that he had with his wife because of her trust in him.

Trust is the fuel for all of life.

That’s why he said to me, “I never knew how sexy trust is. If I could have gotten to her at that moment. . . .” (I’ll spare you the details, but you can imagine.) His wife’s trust propelled him toward her and drove him more deeply into their relationship. Trust builds bonds, deepens them, and can call forth our greatest faithfulness. I’ll explain the biochemical and psychological reasons for this in chapter 2.

What stood out for me about his story is exactly what I mentioned in the introduction to this book: Trust is the fuel for all of life. As I noted, we have been created and designed biologically, neurologically, emotionally, spiritually, and psychologically to trust. When we trust, life works. When trust is high, it gets all the juices flowing and everything runs well. When trust is low— well, you know what that’s like. When trust is broken, things are even worse.

Excerpted from Trust: Knowing When To Give It, When to Withhold It, How To Earn It, And How To Fix It When It Gets Broken by Dr. Henry Cloud. Used with permission from Worthy, a division of Hachette Book Group, Inc.